Wednesday, March 28, 2012

A Better Day

Yesterday was shaky but I'm happy to report that my calories came in at 1430!  I was nervous and feeling disconcerted all day yesterday due to the binge the day before.  I really thought I had moved past that behavior and the fact that I didn't had me not trusting myself at all. 

One of my long-time readers commented that she wasn't really sure it was a binge...she noted I had grape tomatoes, an orange, and actually counted out 1 svg. of Pop Chips.  I will admit that with past binges, the actual food I ate was a lot worse/junky, and even a higher volume.  But to was the behavior and the feelings I had that drove the eating.  That's what defined the binge for me.  The frantic, out-of-control feelings with life and shoving down the food for some kind of temporary relief or distraction (although I know in my brain that it's never a solution and fixes absolutely only makes things worse).  No matter what kind of food I ate, or how many calories it actually was really isn't's the feelings driving the behavior...the behavior itself.  It was definitely a binge mentality.

This morning I wanted a scrambled egg sandwich for breakfast...but have held off on that and haven't eaten anything yet.  I do this every day....obsess over what I should and shouldn't eat.  Try to figure out how to spread my calories out over the day.  I'm diabetic, so I always have to keep a close eye on the carb intake.  2 slices of sourdough bread is 240 calories.  Add in a couple of eggs and swipe of mayo and the calories are a little hefty.  I've been trying to make breakfast my smallest calorie intake, in case I get stupid after dinner and want to snack.  Most mornings I'll have a couple of cheesesticks (120 cals) or 2 boiled eggs (150 cals).

Yesterday when I got home from work, I had only consumed 630 cals throughout the day.  That left me 870 for dinner and whatever else.  We made grilled "pita" pizzas....but I didn't have any pita bread.  We used some round whole wheat flatbread that I bought last weekend.  They're 260 cals each.  I put a little sauce (1/4 c. is 30 cals...I used less than that), a sprinkling of cheese (1/8 c.), turkey pepperoni.  I would have normally put onions, bell peppers and mushrooms on it, but didn't have any in the frig.

A couple of hours later, I wanted to eat again.  So I made a big ass spinach salad with 3 c. of fresh spinach, 1 tbsp. of bacon bits, tomato and cucumber with 2 tbsp. of Italian dressing (110 cals).  Then I found some grilled chicken left in the frig from Sunday's dinner so I chopped up 5 oz. on top of my salad for 150 cals.  The salad was delish and perfect.

And are you ready for this?  Dwayne was watching me make the salad and he said, "I think I'll have a little spinach, too".  Ummm...WHAT???  Who are you and what have you done with my non-veggie eating boyfriend?????  Imposter!!  lol  He had a little romaine and a little spinach with a splash of Italian.  I asked if he wanted me to put cukes and tomatoes on it and he said no.  I certainly didn't want to push things so I just let him eat his little half bowl of greens.  (He said that fresh spinach just tastes like lettuce to him).  I know.  I'm still floored this morning just thinking about it.

A friend came over last night and we played a game of Scrabble.  I did NOT provide the guys with a bowl of chips like I normally do...and guess what...nobody died.  At 11pm the food thoughts showed up again and I said HELL NO and put myself to bed, ending the calories at 1430 for the day.  I only drank 64 oz. of water though, which is not nearly enough.  I need to be doubling that, and will work on it today.

Dwayne, Scarlette and I are taking a short wknd trip up to Helen, GA.  It's a little touristy place up in the North Georgia mountains, made to look like a German town.  Dwayne and I both agreed we need a change of scenery and a distraction from every day life.  We found a cheap room for $60/nite and are driving up Sat morn and coming back Sun afternoon.  I'm looking forward to it. 

I'm feeling better today....I hope you're all feeling good, too.  Make it a great day, friends. :)

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

A Binge Two Years Later

I binged yesterday.  OMG I really don't want to write this post...I really don't.  I know it's been at least 2 years since I've had a binge, and maybe even longer.  I really thought I had that behavior beat.  I was wrong. 

I believe there's a difference in bingeing and overeating.  I associate bingeing with frantic, out of control feelings.  That's definitely what was going on yesterday....definitely.

I posted yesterday that I had just had a crappy week.  I guess everything came to a head yesterday when I went in to the ofc and asked my boss for more hours.  I told him I didn't necessarily need 40 hrs (I knew that was impossible), but maybe 30?  He told me no.  He said we're just not busy enough at the moment to justify it.  We're pretty much past the last couple of tornadoes we had at the beginning of March, so we're back to being to slow again to warrant extra hours.  He did say that storm season is right around the corner (April), and when that happens, I'm welcome to work all the overtime I want.  He also said if we have a good year (terrible to say, but that means lots of nasty thunderstorms/tornadoes/destruction), then he'll be happy to bump my hours back up again.

This is all great and wonderful, but doesn't help me at the moment.  I really didn't want to have to go home and tell Dwayne that Scott denied me the hours.  After a week's worth of arguments and hurt feelings on this subject, I just couldn't take the pressure anymore.  I ate all day yesterday, frantically...every hour or so.  Way too much food.  I ate the grilled chicken and veggies I took for lunch...and then an entire container of grape tomatoes, a serving of Pop Chips (yes, I counted out 1's 23 chips), then I ate an orange....then it was Mary's birthday, so the marketing girl brought in a cake.  I had a tiny slice to be polite.....then ate another small slice around 4:30p.

Alongside all of the Dwayne/job stress...I had another thing going on yesterday.  I have a friend in Fl, I've known him since high school and we're still in touch.  He has colon cancer....but he also fears he has Huntington's Disease.  His father had it and there's a 50/50 chance it can be passed to the child.  He's certain he has the symptoms.  So he made the decision to test for Huntington's but not do anything about the colon cancer until he knows about the other.  If he has Huntington's, an incurable disease that eats away at your brain until you don't know who you are and what you're doing.....then he's going to let the colon cancer take his life.  He's known about the colon cancer since December.  It took 3 months to get the appt to test for the Huntington's....which was yesterday. 

I've been dealing with this for months now.  What do you do when someone tells you how they plan to die?  Not treat the cancer in case you have something worse?  How do you process it when a lifetime friend who is only 41 yrs old tells you how they're choosing to die and leave your life? 

We texted all thru the day...he was sick to his stomach from the stress of having the test done at 3:30p.  I told him it's just having blood drawn....he won't get the results today, so chill out...this was the easy part.  He said he'd let me know after it was over how long it will take to get the results.  We were hoping a week or so.  Well, right before 5pm, he texted me and said "Call me as soon as you leave work".

Shit.  Was I wrong?  Is it possible he got the results immediately?  What was he about to tell me?  Were we fixing to talk about his death?  I couldn't handle it....I left work, knew I was going to pass a McDonald's, and went thru the drive thru....frantic doesn't even begin to describe it.  I ordered a fish sandwich...but wait!  They had a double fish sandwich on special....give me one of those.  Fries and a drink?  No.  And don't ask me why I turned those down after I'd already ingested so much food that day.  Who knows.

Driving down the road, eat the sandwich, time to call him.  He tells me they don't draw the blood there, he has to go to a lab company....and they close at 3:30pm.  So no blood test til the next day.  But he did find out how soon the results will come back.....2 to 3 MONTHS.  OMG.  Are you serious????  We have to go ANOTHER 2-3 months to find out????  Sp I ask if he's going to stick with his plan of not treating the cancer until he finds out the results on the Huntington's?  He said he doesn't know...he has to think about it....that's a long time to wait.  So I still have total uncertainty on the situation.

I get home, go to the frig, and shove a cheesestick in my mouth.  Now I have to calm down the eating some because I've never binged in front of Dwayne.  He grilled 2 NY strip steaks, and I made a salad (he actually let me put tiny bits of an English seedless cucumber and diced tomatoes in his salad...with romaine and spinach...I couldn't believe it!).  I made a small can of those pop biscuits, which I usually don't eat because they're not real biscuits.  Well...I ate 2 of them.

After dinner I asked Dwayne if he wanted to go for a walk around the neighborhood with me and Scarlette, and he said sure (shocked me again!).  I walked at the park on Sat for 45 mins by myself, and walked 2 loops around my neighborhood on Sunday, which took 26 mins.  We only did 1 lap last night, but hey! I got him off the couch!!  And don't ask me why I bothered....who exercises during a binge???  I've never claimed to be normal.

I had the conversation about no extra hours at work....he said ok...we'll see what storm season brings..but things were still pensive.  11pm came and I ate again...we split a frozen pizza.  He didn't realize this was part of a binge, because he always eats at this's his 3rd meal of the day, and I was joining in ( I had stopped this behavior a couple wks ago).

Apparently all of last week's stress and yesterday's shame over the bingeing (and there was PLENTY of shame, even during the process) all manifested into some really horrible dreams.  I woke up this morning bawling my eyes out.  Such a weird ass dream....with horrible feelings/emotions.  Embarassment, humiliation, shame, heartbreak, stresss, really ran the gamut.

I'm one of those people who can remember every detail of a dream even a week later.  It stays with me.  I'm heavy-hearted today...I wish I could bleach my brain and forget about the dreams.  I wish I could forget about the binge and just MOVE FORWARD.  It bothers me that I thought I was way past bingeing behavior...and clearly wasn't.  I think what bothers me most is I don't know how to forgive myself....not just for this, but for anything in life.  People talk about it...but I don't understand it.

I rememeber a line in a movie once that is seered in my brain..."Everyone knows that the only person in the world you can't yourself."  I remember thinking years back when I heard it, how very true it was for me.  Maybe not for others, but for me. 

Obviously....I want to get this turned around. I want to shake off the bad feelings, get over it, and move forward for the weight loss if for nothing else.  I'm already up 1.4 lbs for the first time since joining Chris' 100 day challenge.  I want to turn it around RIGHT NOW.  I know I'm in a bad spot and this could very easily go the other way.  I'm acutely aware of being on a fence and facing the wrong direction.  I'm thinking about it, dwelling on it, worried....looking for a way to change my attitude, lose the bad feelings, forget the dreams, and make the right choices today.  It's nearly 11am and I haven't eaten breakfast yet because I was scared sad is that?  Good grief I need to get a grip.

And there's more.  If I'm going to do a vomit post, I might as well get it ALL out in one sweep.

Along with this is the ever-present PCOS problem with the aching ovaries, the constant acne breakouts on my face, the hair falling out of my head every day.  When I go for a brisk walk (because exercise is good for you!), it just hurts.  My stomach is so big and low-hanging, it jostles my ovaries terribly.  It truly feels like I'm stepping on them and squishing them into the pavement every time I take a step.  I came home Saturday after my walk and my hips hurt so bad I felt like I was 80 years old...and I had shin splints in both shins.  Really????  I'm 39 yrs. old.  I want to lose 60 more lbs.  Am I really so fat, old and decrepid that a stupid 45 min walk should make me feel like I just climbed a mountain??  I was still so friggin' sore on Sunday that I didn't want to go out for another walk.  But I did a couple of laps around the neighborhood and man, did it hurt.

Ok, I'm done now.  I've tried very hard since starting this 2nd blog not to fill it with negative posts, so I apologize for this one.  I wish every day was full of rainbows and butterflies and I was just sailing down the scale pain-free.  Um....yeah.  Well...this is where I'm at right now.  I'm going to try my damndest to turn it all around today and make it a good eating day, with some walking this evening.  I'm hoping my next post is bright and sunshiny.  Thanks to all of you for listening. 

Monday, March 26, 2012

Checking In

It's been a really crappy week.  I've gained 1.4 lbs. since last Wed, so I'm up to 241.4 this morning.  Dwayne is still really worried about losing his job, so we had a rough few days around here with some disagreements.  Right now, I work part-time at the insurance company, leaving me time to do more Errand Fairy work (when I have it).  Things are slow now though with EF...things really dropped off after Christmas.  Dwayne has insisted that I go back to work full-time, and EF be damned.  He said I can still do it in the evenings and on the weekends if I want.  Oh?  I get to work 7 days a week?  Why thank you very much!!

Several things about this irritate me.  First of all, he makes plenty of money for me to keep the schedule I have and continue to grow the Errand Fairy (wildly successful businesses aren't created overnight!).  But he refuses to budget his money.  He's never had to...he's always bought whatever he wants, whenever he wants...and refuses to change that.  Secondly, if I'm 8a-5p at the insurance place, I have to get up at 6a, leave here at 6:30 in order to get to work at 7:15p, then hang out til 8a.  Get off at 5p and get back home at 6p.  If I leave any later than 6:30...thanks to Atlanta traffic, I cannot get to work by 8am and would be late every day.  So....that's an 11.5 hr day from the time I leave til the time I get home, and I'm only paid for 8 of those hours.

We live 10 mins from his work.  He doesn't have to be to work until 9a-10am, first off.  He's usually off by 5p.  See the difference????  It irritates the shit out of me.

And then....he wants me to do EF in the evenings AFTER an 11 hour day???  Gee thanks.  And on weekends, so I have NO free time at all?? Or better yet.....give up on the dream completely??  Grrrrrr.

Anyhoo....we're back on speaking terms now, and I do see the point that if he loses  his job, I really should be making more money.  But I'm not ready to give up on Errand Fairy.  I told Dwayne that I'd go in to work today and ask my boss about putting me back on full-time.  He just hired a marketing girl though full-time at $20/hr, so I don't know if his budget will allow it.  Maybe 30 hours? 

And  by the way, one of my EF clients who is a radiologist, emailed me yesterday to say that she has referred me to one of her friends and she should be emailing me soon.  A new client!! 

Trying to move past the stress well enough to get the eating back on track.  We grilled out last night, so I have leftover chicken, grilled veggie kabobs and grilled asparagus to take for lunch for the next 3 days (I already have the individual bowls made up in the frig).  I haven't had any breakfast this stomach is too nervous, knowing I've got to talk to Scott today.

Hope all of you have a fabulous week!! 

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Who's Juicing?

Is there anyone of you that reads this juicing?  I've heard about it for years and just never messed with it.  I don't want to do hardcore like some people...juicing at every meal.  But I'm considering it for breakfast and lunch and for a couple of different reasons. 

First of all, I'm just too damn busy these days with the storms at work.  I'm looking for a way to simplify the meal process.  If I mix up a big batch in a couple of different pitchers at one time....I shouldn't have to fool with individual meals every single day...drives me nuts. 

Secondly, we have an adjuster that works for us that I saw a couple of months ago when he came in the office.  He's diabetic like me...but unlike me, his #'s are sky high and he was having to take 20 units of insulin in his stomach every day.  That was a couple of months ago.

I saw him again yesterday and I was absolutely shocked at how much weight he's lost.  He is a HOTTIE now!!  And he's down to 10 units of insulin instead of 20.

How much produce would you have to buy to make it work?  Any tips?

I may not do it if it's too expensive....just inquiring. :)

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

No Loss

No loss this week....same 240 lbs. I was 2 weeks ago.  I'm at work now doing this post.  Too busy to write much or reflect on things out loud.  I almost ended up in the ER last night with the ovary pain.  When I was originally diagnosed with the PCOS I didn't have any cysts on my ovaries.  After last's night misery, I'm thinking that's changed.  I hate, hate, hate my body.  That's it for now!!  Have a great day! :)


I just put this post up a few mins ago, and then ran across a lady in the hallway that works for another company...I see her often.  She stopped me and asked if I'd lost a lot of weight.  I said some, I'm trying to lose another 60 lbs. (my ultimate goal being 180).  Her eyes flew open wide and she gasped, saying, "Well you don't want to look ANOREXIC!!"  ....I think I love this woman now, lol. 

Saturday, March 17, 2012


I finally figured out what my problem has been with eating like a moron at night this past week.  Turns out, it was nothing major.  I was digging too deep, trying to find some major issue in my life that was driving the eating, based on the fact that I'm such an emotional eater.  The problem was ridiculously simple, and not really a problem at all...just a bad habit I was slipping into.

I've been following Dwayne's eating pattern, and that's it.  So ridiculous.

Dwayne skips breakfast and just showers and goes straight in to work.  He eats something simple like a leftover piece of chicken or porkchop or whatever from dinner the night before (he comes home for lunch).  Then he eats whatever I fix for dinner...that's his 2nd meal of the day.  THEN...he eats another meal around 10-11p at night when he's hungry again.

I had started eating something small like a 70 calorie cheese stick for breakfast, or a 75 calorie boiled egg.  Then I'd eat what I planned for lunch and dinner.  THEN eating whatever he ate with him late at night.  It's a nasty little cycle.  When you eat that late at night, you don't feel like a normal breakfast the next morning because you still feel kind of full from the night before.  And it's just as simple as that.
When I finally figured out the pattern yesterday while at work, I was ready.  We had sandwiches for dinner last night around 6:30p.  I did a few chores around the house, then we watched a weird ass Nic Cage movie called Driving Angry together.  When the movie was over around 11p I was almost tired enough to go to bed.  Dwayne said he was hungry and pulled a sub out of the frig that he had bought earlier.  He said, "Here baby, I know you're hungry too....share this sub with me."  And I said, "NO THANKS".  I said no.  And I turned this week of bad eating around right there.  Instead, I went back to my bedroom closet and bagged up all of the clothes that are too big for me to donate to Goodwill.  Then I went to bed.  Habit stopped...and I'm back on track.  :)

Obviously I make things harder than they have to be sometimes.  I was REALLY trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me, and it was just a simple matter of shifting my habits.  Kinda' like missing the forest for the trees.  I felt pretty silly when I finally figured it out...but it's all good.  I'm back on track now and that's what really matters.  I'm actually hungry this morning since I didn't eat late last night, and that's the way it should be. 

I'm going to fix a couple of eggs for breakfast and then shower and start my day.  I've got to go to the salon and get my nails filled in.  Then I've got some errands to run with Dwayne.  We've got 2 birthday parties this weekend and we've got to shop for gifts.  One of our guy friends turned 40 yesterday and the party is tonight.  They're grilling out hamburgers and hot dogs.  My plan is to do what I do here at home when I make it w/o the bun, with lettuce, tomato onion & dill pickle.  A party doesn't need to be a reason to jump off a cliff.  My niece's birthday party is tomorrow afternoon and they're eating at CiCi's pizza.  I've always hated that cardboard crap (it's not real pizza) so there's no pitfall there to deal with.  And if I remember correctly back to another kid's birthday party, I think CiCi's has a little salad bar. 

So the weekend plan is in place....the next challenge weigh-in is this coming Wed.  I may have been off the wagon too long to really make a dent in the weigh-in...but no matter.  I'm moving in the right direction again and the scale will eventually reflect that.  Make it a great day friends!! :)

Thursday, March 15, 2012


This week's eating has been pathetic.  No bingeing...I stopped that a couple of years ago, thank God.  But I have really been blowing it in the later hours at night.  I shopped well for groceries last weekend, and have eaten everything on track with breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner, finishing each day around the 1500 mark.  Then around 10p at night everything comes undone.  I've been dwelling on it and trying to find out what my major malfunction is.  I'm just not sure.  I've been unusually hungry at night this week, and my resolve has just crumbled.  It's irritating, and the feeling of failing each night for the last 4 nights is not a happy one.  I've got to find that resolve again and get this train back on track.  I'm sitting at 239 and have been all week.  I know work has been crazy busy and there's extra tension and stress at home with Dwayne's job being up in the air...but I'm not sure that's what my problem is with the eating.  Whatever it is, there's nothing major enough wrong right now....there's just no excuse.  Maybe it's just laziness and I just need to get my ass back in gear....or put it to bed at 10pm.  Something must change.  I have a goal to reach, and after losing 100 lbs, 40 more should just be a drop in the bucket.  I need to get out of my own way and just get it done.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Extra Stress

Wow I didn't realize I hadn't posted since Saturday!  I've just been bogged down at work with storm season.

Dwayne came home with a bit of unsettling news a couple days ago.  He says things are not good at work and he's in fear of losing his job.  He accepted a promotion to management in December and walked into a whole world of problems as an Escalations Manager.  He had a good boss, but that guy left last week to accept another position within the company, but out in California.  So his "new" boss is a guy there that he's never liked.  Great, lol.

He was talking about maybe not lasting another month or two before they can him.  I hope he's wrong, but not being in the office with him, I can't really tell.  He was saying if he loses his job then we'll have to move because we won't be able to afford the rent here.  We would most likely go from this 3 bedroom house to a 1 bedroom apartment.  If he loses his job and has to go on Unemployment, the money would be just a sliver of what he's making now, and he started lamenting over the fact that if our cars break down/need repairs, that his savings will be gone quickly.  He's also worried that when he finds another job, the pay would mostly likely be $20-$30,000 less a year than he's making now.  And he told me if he loses his job, I'll have to find another full-time job and quit the insurance adjusting job because it's only part-time...and just leave Errand Fairy for the weekends.

He's always made enough money that he's never had to budget.  The fact is, he's terrified.  I suggested some budgeting ideas to him last night, trying to show them that there is hope and we're going to make it no matter what happens, but he looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language.  He's never had to budget....I've always had to budget.  We're at opposite ends of the spectrum right now.

I'll be honest....I really don't like it when home life is unsettled.  That's always been my safe and secure place where I find my calm and peace when the outside world was falling apart.  Dwayne's mood and him being pre-occupied with all of these thoughts upsets me and creates a knot in my stomach that I can't seem to shake.  Dwayne and I have each been through extended unemployment before and it's just so dang hard.  I really hope that things improve for him at work, but after hearing the details from him yesterday, it doesn't sound good right now.

Sorry for the negativity...just updating on what's going on in my life this week.  I realize things could go south with my weight very quickly if I let my focus be averted to these negative things.  Last Fri when I unofficially got on the scale, I was down to 238.  This morning I'm 239.  I need to reign the focus in quickly.  I truly never want to see 240 again. 

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Good Morning Sunshine!

I woke up to a gorgeous sunny day!!  I let Scarlette out in the fenced backyard to play and she's having a blast.  She loves to chase the birds, squirrels and chipmunks although she never catches any (thank goodness...that would definitely be an "Ewwww" moment).

I've been sitting out on the back deck watching her while sipping my morning coffee.  I just love sunshine.

I have absolutely no plans or requirements for the day except grocery shopping.  I'm going to be busy next weekend with 2 birthday on Sat and one on Sun, so I thought I'd just stay home and relax this weekend.  It also makes my eating choices much, much easier.

Dwayne is taking his mom to lunch today for her birthday.  They're going to Macaroni Grill and of course he said I'm more than welcome to come.  At first I said yes...but then I changed my mind.  I haven't been to Macaroni Grill in years but I love that place.  The last time I went for a friend's birthday, I had the BEST porkchops and mushroom risotto I've ever had in my life.  I could have gone and chosen something way lighter, but I just didn't trust myself to get a salad today.  So I declined the invitation and I feel good about that choice.

I'm just going to get my grocery shopping done and then come home and do the weekly chores like laundry and vacuuming at my leisure.  I'm also going to take Scarlette with me for a nice walk through the neighborhood later on.  We live in a very quiet, peaceful neighborhood with big, wooded yards.  It's a good place to walk.

I hope all of you make it a great day today.  Not just "have a great day", but MAKE it a great day.  We always have a choice.....whether or not you make the right ones is ALL up to you.  Enjoy the sunshine! :)

Friday, March 9, 2012


I went under comments and settings, and then on comment moderation it says "Never"....that's what I have it on.  I thought it would get rid of the word verification stuff but apparently not.  What do I need to do to fix it?  Someone?  Anyone?  lol

Did I Fix It?

I tried to undo the comment moderation thingy and make it to where anyone can post, even anonymous.  Does this fix the problem everyone was irritated with?  Let me know. :)

Stress, Choices & Rewards!

I posted about things picking up at work and that I've had no plan for eating with the extra hours at work this week.  The truth is, I didn't shop and plan very well at the grocery store last wknd and ran out of lunch and snack stuff.  All I have is a freezer full of meat, some bread on the counter (for Dwayne...I haven't made any sandwiches this week because I'm still trying to limit my carbs due to the diabetes), and I have noodle packets and mac 'n' cheese and that kind of carby crap in the pantry (again, for Dwayne, it's all he'll veggies!).

So in light of this, I've been making the best choices I can to get through the week w/o totally throwing my hands up in the air and just eating what's convenient.  I went to lunch with Brittany on Wed at a BBQ place and made the best choice....a salad.  Yesterday, I ate 2 boiled eggs for breakfast for 150 calories, then went in at 10am and took nothing with me because I had nothing at home.  When lunch time rolled around I had to make my choice.  I decided to run a mile down the road from work to KFC and get 2 grilled chicken breasts.  I told my friend at work that I was doing the special diet with last week and asked her if she wanted some.  You would have thought I slapped her in the face.

"No way!  I just can NOT believe that you can get anything healthy from that place.  I don't care what the nutrition menu says the calorie count is!"  I told her it's just grilled chicken...not breaded...they guesstimate 180 calories for a breast...6 oz.  Some are a little bigger, some are a LOT smaller...but it's a decent estimate.  I said the sodium is obviously higher because it's a restaurant, but that doesn't affect the calorie count...just drink a lot more water to flush it.  NOPE.  She was repulsed.

I immediately felt guilty for my choice and it bothered me all day.  I got the chicken and went downstairs to our mini cafeteria and got a salad with mixed greens and broccoli with a cpl of tbsp's of Italian dressing.  I COULD HAVE loaded up that salad with boiled eggs, cheddar cheese, piles of bacon bits, ranch dressing, etc....but I didn't.  I made the best choice I could feel good about.  I also COULD HAVE gone to McD's, Wendy's, Steak 'n' Shake,  Burger King or Taco Bell to pick up lunch...but I didn't.  I could have done something even easier and stayed at the ofc. and had pizza or Chinese delivered.  But I didn't. 

Although I know I should have been prepared with things from the grocery store, I still think I made the best conscious decision I could for the healthiest eating during a busy time at work.

Nonetheless, I was laying on the couch last night thinking about another busy day at work coming, no eating plan, my friend thinking I created a diet sin for going to KFC, and basically gave up and said I'll just order Chinese tomorrow.  It's friend's not going to be at work tmrw so she won't know...I haven't had Chinese in forever it lunch won't kill me, blah blah blah.  And the guilt was killing me. 

I woke up this morning....raining and dreary outside (my attitude seems to be better on sunny days).  I immediately thought about my lunch plan, the guilt came back, and I decided to step on the scale to see if the same 240 was there.  I really, really needed to see if I'd dropped down into the next decade.

238 baby!!!!  2-3-8!!!!  No Chinese for me!!!  No sirree bob.  Just that fast, my attitude turned, I got my fighting spirit back...and I still have no idea what's for lunch today, lol.  But I know it's not gonna' be Chinese!!

I think I'll leave a little early for work and swing by the grocery store and see what I can find.  Surely I can find something better than fast food.  I feel bad for having a bad attitude last night and deciding to cave.  I feel guilty..and I hate admitting to it here.'s the truth, and confession is good for the soul.

Make it a great day's YOUR choice!  :)

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Current Pics of Me...and Brittany!

I met up with Brittany and her best friend Brittni for lunch today.  Both girls had just rolled out of bed, hadn't fixed their hair, and had no make-up on....but they still let me take the pics.  Yay!  And by the way....I had a salad like I'd planned and it was delish!!  I'll keep this short....just wanted to post a current pic of myself for the blog.

At the risk of sounding vain....I feel damn good about these pics, lol.  Granted, it's a 2X shirt, size 22 pants, and I'm 240 lbs. here....but if I can feel this good about how I look in these pics, CAN YOU IMAGINE how good I'm gonna' feel when I drop another 20...and eventually 40 more lbs?? 


Challenge Weigh In

No loss this time.  Weighed in at 240 lbs. this morning.  My cycle will probably be here til Sat or Sun.  Then I get a 2 week break.  Next weigh-in will be better!!  :)

We're getting into storm season at the insurance adjusting job with all of these tornadoes recently.  The hours are picking up and I have to figure out the meal planning around more hours at that job.  I went in yesterday at 10a instead of 1p and had NO PLAN for lunch.  I took nothing with snacks, etc. AND I forgot to take something out of the freezer to thaw for dinner.  Luckily my boss told me to pick a menu and order lunch from somewhere.  That normally means 3 choices that will deliver to, Chinese or Jason's Deli.  I asked him if we could order Jason's so I could get a salad and he said yes.  So I got the Chef's salad with only ham, turkey & boiled eggs, lite Italian on the side.  No cheese and no olives.

I'm meeting Brittany and her best friend Brittni for lunch today at Jim 'n' Nick's BBQ restaurant before heading into work.  The last time we had lunch there about a month ago I got a turkey sandwich.  This time I might try one of their salads.  I've eaten a lot of salads in the last week and a half and really been enjoying them.  It's like anything else though...eventually I'll eat so much of something that I get sick of it.  Like chicken....dear Lord I've eaten so much baked/grilled chicken in the last 2 months that I was about to sprout feathers.  Had to give it a break, lol.

If the girls have their make-up on today maybe they'll let me take some pictures of them.  I hope so...I don't have enough pics of her and I yet.  Since I'm not going in to work til 1p today, I told Dwayne I'll probably have to work late to get all of my stuff done.  I told him to fend for himelf for dinner and I'd grab something for me.  I have no idea what that is yet.  I've got to sit down and do some serious meal planning this wknd for next week before I go do my grocery shopping.

The sun is shining, the temps are in the 50's...a gorgeous day!  Hope the sun is shining where you are, too. :)

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Giving Praise and Thanks

I'm in a much better mood today.  My eating is right back on track and THANK GOD I was only off the beaten path for a day.  I reealize I'm a little old to be throwing tantrums.  :)

I was sitting on the deck this morning, drinking coffee, and thinking about how far I've come.  So far, I've gone from 340 lbs. to 240 lbs.  With God's help (and trust me, I couldn't have done this alone), I've lost 100 lbs., and I'm still here, working on getting the rest off.  100 lbs. is a big deal to me.  That takes so much effort.  It takes so many do-overs.  It takes so much tenacity and strength and will and fortitude, and for me, prayer. 

I'm feeling very thankful this morning that I was able to turn my attitude around from yesterday, and look at my journey thus far from the right perspective.  A thankful one.  I want to give God the praise for how far I've come, and the fact that I'm still in the game.  I know I have some really irritating health issues....but they're so much less than what others have.  Even people in my own family have health issues that are far worse than mine, and they handle them with a much more positive attitude than I do.  I'm glad God reminded me of it this morning.

I have so life is so full and rich.  I have such an amazing and loving family that accept me and love me for who I am.  I have a boyfriend and a puppy dog that think I hung the moon.  I have a job that pays my bills.  I have a doctor that gives me free samples of medicine because I have no health insurance.  I have a good-running car and have started a side business that is still alive when so many other small businesses don't even make it to the 1 year mark. I have friends that love me and that I know I can depend on for anything.  And 20 years after giving up a baby girl for adoption, God granted me the blessing of meeting her and building a relationship with her.  Yes, my life is so rich and blessed and I'm giving God the thanks and praise this morning.  Life is so good.  :)

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Down Hill & The Up Side

Really bad eating today.  I woke up with my ovaries screaming at me and realized I'd started my cycle overnight.  This is how foolish I am.  I know, know, know it comes every 2 weeks, and yet sometimes...I still forget.  I've been so focused on this diet I'm doing with my friend this week that I completely forgot to figure out the days and know that my cycle would show up before my weigh-in on Wed.  I haven't been on the scale this week, wanting a nice surprise when I got to the weigh-in.  This morning I couldn't stand it and jumped on.  I'm exactly 240.0, which is exactly what I was at the last weigh-in, which means whatever I DID manage to lose has been replaced with water weight.  I was beyond pissed off and threw everything out the window this morning with the restrictive eating...and I did it ON PURPOSE. 

I've been mad at the world all day...but I did manage to reign in some bit of rational thinking.  One thing that I think is obvious is that I'm obsessed with the numbers to define my success.  I forced myself to admit today that there are other indicators, like the way your clothes fit, the compliments I've been receiving from friends and co-workers about my shrinking size, etc.

I bought those size 22 pants 2 weeks ago, which proved to be a little too big after wearing them a few hours.  I told myself after I dropped 10 more lbs. that I'd go try on some size 20's.  Well in an effort to improve my crappy mood and my disgust over my aching ovaries, I decided today was the day!!  I took my $20 in Kohl's cash that I earned a cpl weeks ago and I hit the clearance rack!!  I ended up buying one blouse for work and 2 pairs of SIZE 20 PANTS!!!  They are a little snug, but I can get them on w/o unbuttoning them, and that tells me they'll work just fine.  After redeeming my Kohl's cash, I spent $25 out of pocket for 2 pairs of pants and a blouse for work.  Not bad!!

It's nearing the evening hours, and to tell you the truth, I'm still pissed, lol.  I'm TRYING to get the right mindset back and make tomorrow an awesome day.  Dinner tonight is steamed shrimp and some veggies.  Pretty harmless.  I've got a good mind not to even step on that effing scale on Wed, but I committed to a challenge so I have to.  I really need to create the habit of telling myself it's only going to show up as 1-2 lbs/wk and stop expecting something phenomenal.  I have to keep reminding myself that consistency is more important than speed.  It's harder to do during your cycle with the raging hormones, the uncomfortable bloating and the insane cravings.  I continue to find it incredibly unfair that I have to deal with this twice a month instead of once a month like a NORMAL female.  But it is what it is.  I had the right attitude about this when I first started back to blogging and weight loss.  Today...not so much.  :)

Sorry about the rant....might not post for the next few days due to my mood...we'll see how it goes.  If I don't have something nice to say, I won't say anything at all.  Happy Saturday everyone.  :)

Friday, March 2, 2012

Get Out Of The Way

I saw this quote on my friend Amy's blog at Amy's Journey, listed on my sidebar.  I love it, so I'm sharing.

"The thing about reaching your goal weight is that it's 100% possible.  It's completely in your control.  The only thing stopping you from getting there is you.  So get out of the way."


Thursday, March 1, 2012

Just Cruising

Not much new going on today.  Just cruising along with the diet.  I'm 3 days in, starting on my 4th, and I'm right on track. 

I was noticing how when you're losing weight it comes off in the weirdest places (and never in the places you want it to!!!)  My big ass stomach is always the last place the weight comes off, which irritates the crap out of me.  Right now, I appear to be losing in the lower part of my arms??  Between my elbow and my hand.  I was washing my hands last night in front of the bathroom mirror and noticed these "lumps" right above my wrists.  Turns out they're muscles...never knew they were there under the fat, lol.  I've also got veins popping out right close to my wrists that I've never seen before.  And where I've always had kind of pudgy hands, I can now see the bones moving in them when I'm doing things like typing or washing dishes.  Kinda' cool, but I still wish my stomach would go down.  Or maybe my hips.  I've got overabundant hips.  The 3 pairs of size 22 pants I bought a week and a half ago don't even touch my waist after I've had them on for 3-4 hours.  But thanks to my hips, I can wear them just fine.  I'm looking forward to another couple of weeks when I can buy some size 20's.  I was 240 lbs at my last weigh-in a week ago.  I fully expect to be down into the mid 230's by next Wed.  I'm doing what it takes to get the weight off, and I expect to see my efforts rewarded on the scale.  :)