Monday, January 30, 2012

A Stumble

I've been very proud of myself for getting back on the wagon last Wed.  I've been trying to keep my focus and get back into the swing of things, sticking to 1500 cals or under, after eating whatever the heck I wanted for a year.  Today was stellar....until an hour ago.

Dwayne is leaving for CA in the morn, and I always get tense when he has to go out of town.  I really don't like being by myself for one thing.  The other thing is it makes me realize just how much I'm going to miss him.  He and I have been together for 7+ years and he's truly my best friend.  When we get home from work we really enjoy our time together.  We moved in together last June and it's been quite the experience.  There's been so much growth and learning and absolute joy being with each other every day.  We rarely go out...we're both homebodies, so we do projects together here at home.  We cook together and and he helps me clean...w/o being asked. We enjoy our baby Scarlette together, spoiling her rotten.  We consider her our child, even if she does have 4 legs and is covered in fur.  So...I'm just feeling a little down tonight.

I cried a little, just as I always do before he leaves, and headed straight for the fridge.  Dwayne had a pepperoni pizza in there from the wknd that I hadn't eaten any of (wasn't worth the calories).  I grabbed a piece and stood in the kitchen with it for a minute or so....thinking about it.  How many calories did I have left for the day?  Only 200.  After dinner, I was up to 1300.  How many are in this piece of pizza?  I have absolutely no idea...maybe 400?  Is it worth it?  At the moment, yes.  Will it blow the unofficial weigh-in you're going to do on Wed. morning? (the official challenge weigh-in is every 2 weeks, so a week to go).  I think I'll be okay if I give Scarlette half. 

So I plopped down on the sofa with a sad heart, sharing the piece of pizza with my baby girl.

It's little scenarios like this that is the reasoning behind me calling myself a food addict....using food as a drug to cover up or "fix" something else.  Even after the questions I asked myself....those few moments I had to put the pizza back in the fridge, I still ate it.  This is how I got up to 340 lbs.  It's stupid situations like this....just a little sadness...that will keep me from getting to my goal of below 200 if I don't find other ways to "deal".  I'm embarassed to admit this, but I think it's the right thing to do. 

So there it is.  Only 5 days in and I screwed up.  I willingly threw focus out the window and used food as a salve, knowing it was the wrong thing to do.  What to do from this point?  Go to bed, get up in the morning, be glad that each day is a fresh start, take a walk and stay under 1500 calories.  Oh, and be glad that I didn't hide this and carry around the shame...instead, I used the blog for what it's be accountable, good and bad alike.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Feeling Good

We're having some really beautiful weather here in Georgia.  After a few days of rain, the last 2 days have been absolutely gorgeous.  Sunny skies and crisp temps.  I'm loving it.

The eating is going surprisingly well for my first weekend being back at it.  Last night got a little wobbly after dinner but I made it through okay.  Today is right on track.  I just finished lunch and I've got 600+ left for dinner.  We're going to grill some chicken wings.  I originally planned on baking them but I love grilled foods much better and it's just too lovely outside not to.  I've got some yellow squash and tomatoes to go with mine, and will fix Dwayne his poison.

You know, we both have diabetes.  It kinda' makes me sad...okay, it makes me really sad to feed him the crap that I know is killing him.  I could not cook for him, but that just means he'll go in the kitchen and cook it himself.  Not to mention, I'd make him feel alienated by not cooking for him anymore.  My hope is that I can lead by example and he'll eventually come around.  At 41 years old, I don't think he'll change his ways about eating veggies.  He just absolutely hates them....taste, texture, all of it.  But I've noticed he has made some small improvements by watching what I do.

He drinks a LOT of water now, where he used to drink none.  Granted, he still drinks Cokes, but only if he remembers to buy them.  I stopped buying them.  He'll eat and actually LIKES whole grain breads.  He still loves his white bread, but has noted that the whole grain breads actually have more flavor.  He will now eat ground chicken breast in things like tacos.  He tried a grilled chicken burger but wasn't thrilled.  Small changes, I guess.  And if we make grilled pita pizzas (thank you Tina!), then I buy the italian chicken sausage in place of the pork, and he loves it.  He's not too thilled with the turkey pepperoni, but he'll eat it.

So I guess some things are slowly changing with him.  I'll catch him asking me questions every once in a while like, "How many calories are in yogurt?"  or "is peanut butter a good protein or a bad one?"  lol.  Which takes me to whole other topic.

My good friend Sean left a note on my last post and mentioned something about "good" and "bad" foods.  He was trying to point out that our battle is not with the's with oursevles.  I know exactly what he's talking about and agree, and it made me think that maybe I should explain my take on things a little better.

I don't believe in food restriction as far as labeling foods as "good" or "bad".  I guess the way I should put it is....that 700 calorie slice of cheesecake isn't "bad"'s just not worth it to me.  That's what I mean when I say the guys are sitting around stuffing their faces with Doritos, Reese's peanut butter eggs and ginger ale as they did the other night when I posted.  I can have all of those things too if I choose to.  I just choose not to because the calorie value is too high for the amount of volume you get. 

I've always been a volume eater.....ALWAYS.  Back when I was calorie counting before, I'd have days where I just could not get satisfied.  When I'd be on track and have a freak-out, I'd sit down and eat 5 cups of veggies at one time....just for the volume.  You can have 5 c. of veggies for under 200 calories (if you pick the right veggies).  Some people have a hard time choking down 2 cups in a day...I would eat 5 cups, just to have that full feeling w/o blowing the budget.  I can't get that full feeling off of 1 svg. of Doritos and 1/2 a glass of ginger ale to stay in the same calorie range.  So when I say, "I can't have that"....that's all I mean. 

Speaking of Sean, have you read his book yet?  I think a lot of Sean and I love his story.  He truly does have a selfless passion for wanting to help others break the chains of obesity and live the life of freedom that he lives every day.  I posted his book badge on my sidebar because I want to help my friend promote his message.  It's a life-changing message and the more people that hear it, the better.  I'm honored to help spread the word. :)

I'm off to finish my chores for the day and get ready for the work week.  Dwayne is flying to California for work on Tues and will be back Fri night, so I have most of the week w/ no food temptations in the evenings.  I'm gonna' miss him, but I have to say that's a little perk I'm looking forward to.  :)

Friday, January 27, 2012

Tough, But I'm Making It

Calorie restriction is hard.  That's no secret.  But there's just no arguing with the math, that's why I'm doing it again.  It seems like it's harder this time around than when I started it a couple years ago.  I'm trying to remember the lower calorie foods I used to eat to get the most bang for my buck, and I can't seem to remember anything except egg whites (which I've been having for breakfast every morning), lol.

I also think it's feeling a little harder today because I'm headed into a weekend.  Weekdays are filled with structure but, as with a lot of people, weekends seem to be willy nilly.  Friday nights through Sunday nights are usually a free for all.  Dwayne's buddies, Mark and Kevin, come over most weekends and there's food everywhere.  We grill every weekend, which is good, but always lots of carbs for the sides....and I probably don't even have to mention the "snacks".  Chips & dip, Doritos, cookies, far as the eye can see.  The funny thing is, I don't usually eat the junky stuff....except for drinking Coke.  It's when I tell myself I don't need to spend the calories on a certain thing that makes me want it.  That seems ridiculous, but it's so true.

Dwayne and Mark are sitting on my sofa right now, playing video games, with a big ass bowl of Doritos in front of them, Reese's peanut butter eggs and a 2 liter bottle of ginger ale.  I ran out of calories with dinner at 7pm.

Soooo...the good news is I stepped on the scale this morning expecting to see nothing after only 2 days, but was pleased to see 3 lbs. gone already.  It's probably some kind of sodium dump with all the water I've been drinking, but that still counts, lol.  We only "officially" weigh every 2 wks. in the challenge, so I'll "officially" post my weight then.  Just wanted to mention that the 3 lbs. down was a good motivator to stay on track for the wknd.  And I'll take motivation anywhere I can get it. :)

I've got a lot of running around to do tomorrow to prepare for a party coming up that I'm helping out with.  My plan for dinner tmrw is steamed shrimp w/ some Old Bay seasoning.  That's a great-tasting, low calorie food.  The plan for Sunday's dinner is chicken wings with some dry rub baked on them.  Trying to plan ahead to help me stay on track.  To Hell with the Doritos and Coke....I'm 3 lbs. down. :)

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Soooo Sleeeepy

I'm really tired tonight...gonna' hit the hay early.  Just jumped on so I can stay accountable with the daily blogging and reporting my calorie intake for the challenge.  I came in at 1498.  Yeah...that was close, lol.  Today was a little prep/planning....should have gone grocery shopping before I started the challenge.  Anyhoo....I stopped by the store after work and I'm all good now.  I've got 6 chicken breasts baking in the oven right now to have it on hand.  You can never go wrong with baked chicken.  I'll be back tomorrow night with more to say.  Goodnight friends. :)

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Challenge Day One

Howdy :)

I started Chris' challenge today and I'm right on track.  The calorie cap is 1500 and I'm at 1356.  I walked 30 mins on the treadmill.  It was a slow walk, but I got it done.  My obsessive food thoughts are right on track as well, lol.  Ahhh...the life of a food addict.  This is day one of many previous day one's.  I know it gets easier if I stay consistent.  That's the purpose of this 100 day challenge.  If you do something long enough, day in and day out, it eventually becomes a habit.  The key word in that sentence is "consistency"...something I've always struggled with.

I almost gave up for good.  I haven't really tried to lose weight for the last year.  And I noticed that w/ no effort at all, I tend to stay around the same weight, within 5 lbs. back and forth.  I caught myself wondering just a couple of months ago....can I be happy at this weight the rest of my life?  Trying to lose takes so much effort, so much frustration.  Do I want to fool with even trying anymore?  Can I be happy at a deuce and a half from now until forever? 

I wanted the answer to be yes.  I really, really wanted to accept my fatness and be happy and content with it at the same time.  I wanted to finally concede to never trying again....not care...just accept that I'll always be the fat girl...and learn to be happy with it.

But...I obviously couldn't fully give up on myself or I wouldn't be here with a new blog.  There's always that little flicker....that little spark that just will not burn out.  I tried to stamp it out.  I tried to smother it....but it Just. Won't. Die.

So here I am....trying again.  I'm continuing my journey, trying to find my way to the freedom that something inside me insists that I find.  Some part of me believes I'm worth it.  There's some part of me that loves me enough to ignore the embarassment from continuously faltering and put myself out there once again...blogging about my life like it's an open book.  Putting yourself out there makes you vulnerable...true enough.  But it also provides the comraderie that I've been missing.  I've always loved the blog world.  The support is like no other.  People with the same issues & struggles, but also the same desire to be better.  There's plenty of inspiration to be found and sharing each other's victories is so uplifting. 

My starting weight this morning was 251.4.  We will be weighing every 2 weeks during this challenge.  Thank you to all of the die-hard friends that hit the follow button last night and today.  In less than 24 hours, 14 of you gave me your support.  It makes my heart smile and keeps the wind in my sails. I've missed you.   I've said it before and I'll say it're like family to me.

It's good to be home. :)

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Welcome to my new site!!  I decided to give this blogging thing another shot.  I've been away from it for too long.  I've still been reading blogs, but not posting very much on my old one.  Here's to a fresh start!

Speaking of fresh starts, I decided to join Chris' weight loss challenge.  Her blog is called A Deliberate Life and is listed on my blogroll.  The challenge starts tomorrow and I think it's just what I need to get myself headed in the right direction again. 

I'm still trying to get this new blog all set up, so I'll continue adding my favorite blogs that I like to read as I go along.  It's just too time consuming to do all at once.  The challenge is as basic as it gets.  Cap your calories at 1500 a day and exercise 30 mins. a day/6 days a week.  For me, the exercise will be walking.

So that's it.  I've got to weigh in tomorrow morning and get started.  My overall goal for weight loss is to drop below 200 lbs. for the first time in......well...I have no idea how long it's been since I've weighed less than 200 lbs.  In fact, I weighed 237 lbs. at 17 years old and a senior in high school, if that tells you anything.  At my highest point a few years ago, I weighed 340 lbs.  I'm now somewhere around 250-255.  When I drop another 50 or so....I'm going to consider my journey a total success, regardless of the fact that I will still be overweight.  When I get there...I imagine I'll still want to drop some more.  But when I see 199 on that scale....oh my goodness.  That will be the day I celebrate!! 

Be back tomorrow! :)