I've been very proud of myself for getting back on the wagon last Wed. I've been trying to keep my focus and get back into the swing of things, sticking to 1500 cals or under, after eating whatever the heck I wanted for a year. Today was stellar....until an hour ago.
Dwayne is leaving for CA in the morn, and I always get tense when he has to go out of town. I really don't like being by myself for one thing. The other thing is it makes me realize just how much I'm going to miss him. He and I have been together for 7+ years and he's truly my best friend. When we get home from work we really enjoy our time together. We moved in together last June and it's been quite the experience. There's been so much growth and learning and absolute joy being with each other every day. We rarely go out...we're both homebodies, so we do projects together here at home. We cook together and and he helps me clean...w/o being asked. We enjoy our baby Scarlette together, spoiling her rotten. We consider her our child, even if she does have 4 legs and is covered in fur. So...I'm just feeling a little down tonight.
I cried a little, just as I always do before he leaves, and headed straight for the fridge. Dwayne had a pepperoni pizza in there from the wknd that I hadn't eaten any of (wasn't worth the calories). I grabbed a piece and stood in the kitchen with it for a minute or so....thinking about it. How many calories did I have left for the day? Only 200. After dinner, I was up to 1300. How many are in this piece of pizza? I have absolutely no idea...maybe 400? Is it worth it? At the moment, yes. Will it blow the unofficial weigh-in you're going to do on Wed. morning? (the official challenge weigh-in is every 2 weeks, so a week to go). I think I'll be okay if I give Scarlette half.
So I plopped down on the sofa with a sad heart, sharing the piece of pizza with my baby girl.
It's little scenarios like this that is the reasoning behind me calling myself a food addict....using food as a drug to cover up or "fix" something else. Even after the questions I asked myself....those few moments I had to put the pizza back in the fridge, I still ate it. This is how I got up to 340 lbs. It's stupid situations like this....just a little sadness...that will keep me from getting to my goal of below 200 if I don't find other ways to "deal". I'm embarassed to admit this, but I think it's the right thing to do.
So there it is. Only 5 days in and I screwed up. I willingly threw focus out the window and used food as a salve, knowing it was the wrong thing to do. What to do from this point? Go to bed, get up in the morning, be glad that each day is a fresh start, take a walk and stay under 1500 calories. Oh, and be glad that I didn't hide this and carry around the shame...instead, I used the blog for what it's for....to be accountable, good and bad alike.