Tuesday, March 27, 2012

A Binge Two Years Later

I binged yesterday.  OMG I really don't want to write this post...I really don't.  I know it's been at least 2 years since I've had a binge, and maybe even longer.  I really thought I had that behavior beat.  I was wrong. 

I believe there's a difference in bingeing and overeating.  I associate bingeing with frantic, out of control feelings.  That's definitely what was going on yesterday....definitely.

I posted yesterday that I had just had a crappy week.  I guess everything came to a head yesterday when I went in to the ofc and asked my boss for more hours.  I told him I didn't necessarily need 40 hrs (I knew that was impossible), but maybe 30?  He told me no.  He said we're just not busy enough at the moment to justify it.  We're pretty much past the last couple of tornadoes we had at the beginning of March, so we're back to being to slow again to warrant extra hours.  He did say that storm season is right around the corner (April), and when that happens, I'm welcome to work all the overtime I want.  He also said if we have a good year (terrible to say, but that means lots of nasty thunderstorms/tornadoes/destruction), then he'll be happy to bump my hours back up again.

This is all great and wonderful, but doesn't help me at the moment.  I really didn't want to have to go home and tell Dwayne that Scott denied me the hours.  After a week's worth of arguments and hurt feelings on this subject, I just couldn't take the pressure anymore.  I ate all day yesterday, frantically...every hour or so.  Way too much food.  I ate the grilled chicken and veggies I took for lunch...and then an entire container of grape tomatoes, a serving of Pop Chips (yes, I counted out 1 svg...it's 23 chips), then I ate an orange....then it was Mary's birthday, so the marketing girl brought in a cake.  I had a tiny slice to be polite.....then ate another small slice around 4:30p.

Alongside all of the Dwayne/job stress...I had another thing going on yesterday.  I have a friend in Fl, I've known him since high school and we're still in touch.  He has colon cancer....but he also fears he has Huntington's Disease.  His father had it and there's a 50/50 chance it can be passed to the child.  He's certain he has the symptoms.  So he made the decision to test for Huntington's but not do anything about the colon cancer until he knows about the other.  If he has Huntington's, an incurable disease that eats away at your brain until you don't know who you are and what you're doing.....then he's going to let the colon cancer take his life.  He's known about the colon cancer since December.  It took 3 months to get the appt to test for the Huntington's....which was yesterday. 

I've been dealing with this for months now.  What do you do when someone tells you how they plan to die?  Not treat the cancer in case you have something worse?  How do you process it when a lifetime friend who is only 41 yrs old tells you how they're choosing to die and leave your life? 

We texted all thru the day...he was sick to his stomach from the stress of having the test done at 3:30p.  I told him it's just having blood drawn....he won't get the results today, so chill out...this was the easy part.  He said he'd let me know after it was over how long it will take to get the results.  We were hoping a week or so.  Well, right before 5pm, he texted me and said "Call me as soon as you leave work".

Shit.  Was I wrong?  Is it possible he got the results immediately?  What was he about to tell me?  Were we fixing to talk about his death?  I couldn't handle it....I left work, knew I was going to pass a McDonald's, and went thru the drive thru....frantic doesn't even begin to describe it.  I ordered a fish sandwich...but wait!  They had a double fish sandwich on special....give me one of those.  Fries and a drink?  No.  And don't ask me why I turned those down after I'd already ingested so much food that day.  Who knows.

Driving down the road, eat the sandwich, time to call him.  He tells me they don't draw the blood there, he has to go to a lab company....and they close at 3:30pm.  So no blood test til the next day.  But he did find out how soon the results will come back.....2 to 3 MONTHS.  OMG.  Are you serious????  We have to go ANOTHER 2-3 months to find out????  Sp I ask if he's going to stick with his plan of not treating the cancer until he finds out the results on the Huntington's?  He said he doesn't know...he has to think about it....that's a long time to wait.  So I still have total uncertainty on the situation.

I get home, go to the frig, and shove a cheesestick in my mouth.  Now I have to calm down the eating some because I've never binged in front of Dwayne.  He grilled 2 NY strip steaks, and I made a salad (he actually let me put tiny bits of an English seedless cucumber and diced tomatoes in his salad...with romaine and spinach...I couldn't believe it!).  I made a small can of those pop biscuits, which I usually don't eat because they're not real biscuits.  Well...I ate 2 of them.

After dinner I asked Dwayne if he wanted to go for a walk around the neighborhood with me and Scarlette, and he said sure (shocked me again!).  I walked at the park on Sat for 45 mins by myself, and walked 2 loops around my neighborhood on Sunday, which took 26 mins.  We only did 1 lap last night, but hey! I got him off the couch!!  And don't ask me why I bothered....who exercises during a binge???  I've never claimed to be normal.

I had the conversation about no extra hours at work....he said ok...we'll see what storm season brings..but things were still pensive.  11pm came and I ate again...we split a frozen pizza.  He didn't realize this was part of a binge, because he always eats at this time...it's his 3rd meal of the day, and I was joining in ( I had stopped this behavior a couple wks ago).

Apparently all of last week's stress and yesterday's shame over the bingeing (and there was PLENTY of shame, even during the process) all manifested into some really horrible dreams.  I woke up this morning bawling my eyes out.  Such a weird ass dream....with horrible feelings/emotions.  Embarassment, humiliation, shame, heartbreak, stresss, fear...it really ran the gamut.

I'm one of those people who can remember every detail of a dream even a week later.  It stays with me.  I'm heavy-hearted today...I wish I could bleach my brain and forget about the dreams.  I wish I could forget about the binge and just MOVE FORWARD.  It bothers me that I thought I was way past bingeing behavior...and clearly wasn't.  I think what bothers me most is I don't know how to forgive myself....not just for this, but for anything in life.  People talk about it...but I don't understand it.

I rememeber a line in a movie once that is seered in my brain..."Everyone knows that the only person in the world you can't forgive...is yourself."  I remember thinking years back when I heard it, how very true it was for me.  Maybe not for others, but for me. 

Obviously....I want to get this turned around. I want to shake off the bad feelings, get over it, and move forward for the weight loss if for nothing else.  I'm already up 1.4 lbs for the first time since joining Chris' 100 day challenge.  I want to turn it around RIGHT NOW.  I know I'm in a bad spot and this could very easily go the other way.  I'm acutely aware of being on a fence and facing the wrong direction.  I'm thinking about it, dwelling on it, worried....looking for a way to change my attitude, lose the bad feelings, forget the dreams, and make the right choices today.  It's nearly 11am and I haven't eaten breakfast yet because I was scared to...how sad is that?  Good grief I need to get a grip.

And there's more.  If I'm going to do a vomit post, I might as well get it ALL out in one sweep.

Along with this is the ever-present PCOS problem with the aching ovaries, the constant acne breakouts on my face, the hair falling out of my head every day.  When I go for a brisk walk (because exercise is good for you!), it just hurts.  My stomach is so big and low-hanging, it jostles my ovaries terribly.  It truly feels like I'm stepping on them and squishing them into the pavement every time I take a step.  I came home Saturday after my walk and my hips hurt so bad I felt like I was 80 years old...and I had shin splints in both shins.  Really????  I'm 39 yrs. old.  I want to lose 60 more lbs.  Am I really so fat, old and decrepid that a stupid 45 min walk should make me feel like I just climbed a mountain??  I was still so friggin' sore on Sunday that I didn't want to go out for another walk.  But I did a couple of laps around the neighborhood and man, did it hurt.

Ok, I'm done now.  I've tried very hard since starting this 2nd blog not to fill it with negative posts, so I apologize for this one.  I wish every day was full of rainbows and butterflies and I was just sailing down the scale pain-free.  Um....yeah.  Well...this is where I'm at right now.  I'm going to try my damndest to turn it all around today and make it a good eating day, with some walking this evening.  I'm hoping my next post is bright and sunshiny.  Thanks to all of you for listening. 


  1. I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. I also differentiate between binging and overeating. I was a closet binger for years and I definitely relapse once in a blue moon then feel terrible afterwards. It's definitely the emotional part that's driving the need to eat.

    When I feel overwhelmed, I separate things into two categories: things I can control and things out of my control. Let go of the things you can't control and focus on the ones you can. Priorities are key to managing tough times.

    Many hugs and well wishes.

  2. Stop beating yourself up Tammy. I just did a four day cruise and cruises are ALL ABOUT food,food and more food, 24/7. I could have chosen the leaner cuisine, BUT gave myself permission to eat everything I haven't eaten in months. 6 lb. gain...I've gotten it out of my system. NOW it's time for me to knuckle down and get serious. W.W. Meeting coming up two Fridays from now. EEEEEEK!
    Good luck to you. It will happen!;0)

  3. I'm so glad you just got that all out here - it's your blog and you need to say whatever helps you in the moment. Everyday can't be sweetness, light and happiness. Never apologize for being who you are and taking care of yourself in whatever way is necessary to let go of old shit.

    You really have so much emotional stuff going on right now - keep working on letting go of the binge day (ancient history) and just doing what you can to be a little better today. I also binged yesterday, which I hadn't done for awhile, and I haven't had the nerve to post about it. AND it came out of the blue. No idea what the emotional triggers were - but this morning I realized that it felt like an act of self violence. Just insanity.

    For those of us with food issues, we're always going to have these tendencies to fall back at times to food as self medication or something. If I wrote about all this as you did, you know you would tell me to let it go, forgive myself and move on. And that's what I'm saying to you. And to myself, because I really feel almost hungover, at least emotionally, today.

  4. Don't give up! Take it one day at a time, forgive yourself and move on. YOU CAN DO IT.

  5. I too have a history of binging, so I understand your frustration. Sometimes it is hard to stay in control when the world around you starts to crumble. Don't apologize for venting on your blog. That's what they are for - to share your feelings.

    You know what the great thing about life is? That every day is a new start. Just because you had one bad day, doesn't mean that every day will be. I also have PCOS, and things can get pretty painful. Have you considered bike riding? I actually use a stationary bike because my apartment building has a workout room. I've found that it helps take the pressure off my ovaries and knees, but I still get a good workout.

  6. Hi! First time to your blog and I just want to say Hang in There! What you have accomplished so far is HUGE!!! And I think you are brave to write every word you did -

    Your friend in FL is blessed to have you :)

  7. Perhaps you didn't write everything you binged on, but honestly, it didn't seem like a binge exactly...or maybe your binges have evolved. I mean a box of grape tomatoes, orange..and you counted out your popchips! Love it. I do that too. Yeah, you had cake, twice, but it was small. Oops, McDonald's. And ya ate with Dwayne. I just didn't think it was THAT awful, and I want you to recognize that, and also the fact that it is really RARE. 2 years ago since the last one, I do think you have that behavior beat. I guess it seems more like overeating than what I would think of as a binge where you are just going crazy with all kinds of junk. Sorry you felt out of control and your day was stressful, but hey. Today is another day.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your friend.

    Do you think compression shorts/capris/leggings would be helpful for your walks & exercise?

    Happy Wednesday to you.

  8. Tammy
    *hugs* to you. I was wondering if compression shorts might help too. The self-talk can be gotten control of, talk to yourself kindly, just like to would speak to others.
    Now is the time to pamper yourself with nurturing behaviours that feed your sould and some kindness to yourself, you deserve it.
    Food is not your enemy!